


Holding Onto Regret

by Sexycanofsoup



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Injury, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-14 16:26:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2198709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sexycanofsoup/pseuds/Sexycanofsoup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a Titan encounter Erwin is rushed home from an expedition with terrible wounds and Levi can't help but feel like everything is his fault. Saddled with regret he has to find a way to try and come to terms with his shattered commander as well as his feelings for the man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter one:

Chapter One:

“Abnormals!” the left flank guard shouted, “Over a dozen of them! Coming from the left and approaching fast!”

Levi’s blood turned ice cold and sharp in his veins. Impossible. Over twelve? In all his journeys into the outside world he’d never seen more than three aberrants together. Twelve wasn’t just unheard of. Twelve was death. Many deaths. They wouldn’t escape this one without casualties.

Levi’s eyes swung back to the man galloping before him instead of to the Titan shifter he was supposed to be guarding. Erwin, however, didn’t glance back at him. Instead, he yanked his eyes to the left to judge the Titans’ distance. Levi could see the man’s face pale. That meant even more deaths than he’d thought.

“Ride hard!” Erwin bellowed. “Ride your horses into the ground! Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage! We do not have an effective strategy for engaging multiple aberrants. If you try you will die. Ride as far and hard as you can and don’t stop for anything! Not for the supplies, weapons, or the lives of your comrades. Fire the orange flare!”

Levi’s blood was solid spikes now, piercing his veins. They’d never called for the orange flare. Never. It meant no orders, no formation. It meant running for your life. All around him were shocked faces, but those were changing swiftly to paralyzing horror. But Erwin, even when he was giving up command for retreat, still knew how to lead his men, and that’s why he took the initiative and snapped his reins, making his horse whinny as it broke into a dead gallop. Levi was already moving as well, leaning down close to the neck of his horse, Apparition, in order to streamline his motion and increase his speed. He wanted to call out to Erwin somehow but he knew that would only jeopardize lives. Right now he just needed to move. To flee. To live.

His body, being far smaller than Erwin’s, gave his horse a much lighter burden, and as a result he shot forward faster and soon he was drawing up aside Erwin, and even beginning to pull forward a bit. But that wasn’t acceptable. He would never leave Erwin behind. He pulled on the reins, easing his horse into less of a panicked gallop.

“No.” Erwin’s voice was absolute. “Go, Levi.”

Levi scowled. “I am. My horse is moving, isn’t it?”

“You can go faster.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Levi--”

“Shut up, old man.”

Erwin sighed, but faced forward. He too was leaning into his horse’s neck, melding himself to it in an attempt to move faster. Levi felt one of the tiniest pieces of his panic melt away. They were in a situation more dangerous than they had ever been in, but Erwin was by his side, making his chances of surviving this feel so much higher. He felt words lodge in his throat and choke him. They were words He’d practiced so many times--lately it was nearly every time he saw his Commander’s face. But he’d never, not once, spoken them aloud. _I love you,_ he thought, looking not ahead, or toward the titans but to this vibrant man who meant everything to him. _I always will._ He wanted to say the words, but he had never figured out how, and the situation they were in now wouldn’t reveal the path either. If anything it made the words all the more choking. _Not like this_ he thought. _Not while I’m clinging to a horse with my blood pooling in my hands. Not when his attention is focused on surviving the next 30 seconds. Not now._

But when, was the question, because as he looked at the man, the one who had always seemed like an artful sculpture brought to life, he knew that things couldn’t stay the way they were right now. He couldn’t make do with the fleeting touches and tired smiles Erwin gave him between meetings and training sessions. He couldn’t deal with bidding the man good night and watching him disappear into his quarters as Levi made his way toward his own. But most of all he couldn’t deal with looking at the man like he was Levi’s entire world while Erwin was under the impression that they were simply comrades in arms. He was going to tell Erwin. He would. As soon as possible. Just not when they had a shit loud of Titans breathing down their necks.

Levi craned his head over his shoulder and found that the Titans, which had seemed like tiny infants in the distance already looked taller than grown men. They were fast--too fast. They were already outpacing the horses at top speed, and the horses couldn’t keep up this pace for long. Whatever small peace he’d found with Erwin was shattered as it became more and more apparent that they would have to fight. Whatever Erwin said...These Titans were different. Stronger, faster. They wouldn’t stop coming. They’d kill and kill and keep on killing until they were all dead. Unless, of course, they decided to try and fight. But of course that was madness too. Even after the countless Titan encounters he’d had, he till felt a strong clipping of fear when he faced off against an abnormal. It was so difficult to fight something that had no rules.

As he watched, one of the four of the aberants broke ahead of the group by dropping onto all fours and shooting forward at an even greater pace. Levi’s heart thudded bruisingly in his chest. He wasn’t the only one. He heard sharp gasps of terror all around him. They had only seconds now.

“Erwin…”

“Go, Levi. Go now. We’re going to die but you might make it if you go right now.”

“No.” Just the thought of leaving Erwin now with death so close was unthinkable.

“You’re the lightest. The strongest. You can escape them.”

“No!”

“LEVI!”

Erwin snapped his name out with a shout. He never shouted at him. Not at Levi.

Erwin reached out, holding the reigns in a single hand, and gave Levi’s shoulder now. “I order you!”

No. That wasn’t how their relationship worked. Erwin never pulled rank on Levi. He’d only done that one time when Erwin had caught him in the underground. But that was a different time. A different life. It was before he’d fallen for the man. Before they had found their trust in each other. Then the order hadn’t meant the same thing it did now. Levi’s mouth couldn’t find words.

Erwin’s hand was still extended, but instead of shoving it again, he lifted it up and...touched Levi’s face. Levi wasn’t sure that had ever happened before. He would have remembered it. He was sure of it. Because even now when there was terror snaking through him and confusion exploding around him he could still feel the rough calluses on Erwin’s fingers and the surprising gentleness in them. And there was warmth. So much of it in just a few tiny contact points. “Live.” Erwin’s voice wasn’t commanding now, but pleading. “Go. _Please_.”

There was something else that Erwin had never done. Sure, he’d asked Levi to do things for him in the past, but never in that tone. Never like everything depended on the answer.

At any other time Levi would have been powerless to refuse. He’d never done anything in his life to prepare for Erwin’s pleading. Spilling Titan blood didn’t prepare one for the burning of those eyes. But Levi’s desperation was strong enough to overpower that burning, and so when he spoke it could only be a refusal. “I can’t.”

He wanted Erwin to understand. He didn’t want it to look like mutiny. He didn’t want it to look like anything but necessary. But he couldn’t explain. He could only repeat the words. “I can’t.”

And then he saw something that would give him nightmares for the rest of his life. He saw Erwin’s face--the face of humanity and of all their hopes--crumple, for the first time, with true fear. “You have to.” Levi wasn’t the only desperate looking one now. “If you don’t…”

Erwin’s terror was making his words stilted, but with one glance over his shoulder that revealed the Titans only several hundred meters away, he found his resolve again. “If you don’t, then if I survive this I will have you stripped of all rank and thrown out of the army.”

The words exploded in Levi’s mind. Thrown out of the army. That meant no more Erwin. It meant not seeing his face when he woke up, and not eating his meals with the man, or teasing him for his height, eyebrows, or old man expressions. It meant not touching him, even briefly, or seeing him smile. In short, it meant the disappearance of almost every regular moment he gained pleasure from in the life he led. But even this reality wasn’t as horrifying to him as the realization that there was no malice or resentment, but only terror and desperation behind Erwin’s words.

_He needs me to go_. He tried to use the words to motivate himself but it was like trying to get water to stick to a window. _He’s never asked anything like this before. You have to listen._

But he couldn’t. He didn’t think there were any words the man could say that would convince him from the spot where he belonged--Erwin’s side. But he should have known from his extensive experience that only fools ever underestimated the commander, because when Erwin opened his mouth next he said words that lanced a rusting hook in Levi’s stomach and yanked.

“Who do you think is better at operating maneuver gear and surviving? Me, or Hanji.”

_No._ Levi refused to accept there. _You wouldn’t go there. You wouldn’t. Not even you could…_

But of course he could. Erwin Smith was the most ruthless person Levi knew, and the man wouldn’t hesitate to stoop to any level if it meant getting what he wanted.

“You fucking bastard…”

He stared at Erwin’s face--his clenched jaw, windswept hair, and burning eyes and felt emptied of everything. Because the answer to his question was an obvious one. Erwin was better. There were very few better than he at combat, especially 3dmg combat--Levi and Mike were probably the only ones. And Hanji...though no doubt an excellent fighter, when it came to surviving she was more likely to put her comrades lives before her own, which Erwin of course knew would not be acceptable to the small captain.

An eardrum shattering roar ripped through the air as the first of the Titans closed in on the last 50 meters.

“I’m sorry Levi,” Erwin said before raising his hand and smacking the back of Levi’s horse. The beast shot forward, carrying Levi away from Erwin. He was desperate to tug on the reins, to go back. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. Not with Hanji unprotected in front of him. He tasted blood and realized it was running into his mouth and down his chin, his teeth having ripped into his lips, but he kept going. Hanji was in the squad in front of him about half a kilometer away. He’d make it to her in about two minutes at full gallop. He could make it. He had to try and concentrate on that instead of the man he was leaving behind. He had to trust in Erwin. All he could do now was believe he would survive.

Levi sliced his supplies off of his horse, lightening his load before once again pressing himself flat against his horse’s neck. He was flying now, shooting forward and closing the distance between himself and Hanji. Just a little more...he could almost see her ponytail in the distance. And there--the horses were in sight now and he could recognize hers. Just a little more. He’d get her to safety and then.

A huge crash of thunder and the shooting light that could only mean one thing. Eren had transformed.

“No!” he shouted. “That idiot!”

He wrenched his head around and felt the blood drain from his body. He could see Eren towering in the distance, roaring with savage anger as he tore into the first aberrant. That was already bad--horrific--because there was no way the shifter could take on that many aberrants. But worse than that--so bad he could feel his gums bleed as he gnashed his teeth together--were the sounds of 3dmg lines that shot into the air because that meant only one thing. Erwin was fighting. No one else would have been the first. Besides Eren, no one else would have defied Erwin without his express command. Erwin was going to fight, and Levi wasn’t beside him.

“Fucking shit!” he hissed and yanked his horse around. Hanji would be okay. Now that they were directly facing the Titans it would slow them down and buy her time to get to safety. And that meant that nothing was tying him back. He whipped his horse, urging him faster. He never showed cruelty to animals, least of all his favorite horse. But right now he wasn’t himself. All he could see was Erwin.

There was too much distance between them. Levi could only watch as one of the aberrants leapt onto Eren’s back and...bit off his head. His gasp was drowned out by the triumphant roar of the titan as it flung Eren’s head where it hit the ground, smashing into a horse and rider as it did so and burying them in rubble.

“Eren!”

The boy had been his responsibility. Erwin had trusted him to protect the boy and now--

But wait. _His neck_! Levi strained his eyes as he continuously urged his horse forward. _It might still be intact. He might still be alive. He--NO! SHIT! ERWIN! GET BACK!”_

He could see the blonde now, and the powerful force he brought as he swung forward and jabbed two swords into the aberrant’s eye, and sliced clear through it.

The Titan didn’t flinch. Some Aberrants could feel no pain. So that instead of falling back, it brought its hand forward and swatted at Erwin with one huge hand. The commander leapt back, but he wasn’t fast enough. Levi choked on his scream as the hand connected, hitting Erwin directly in the face and causing a fountain of blood to blossom from his nose.

_Don’t be dead. Don’t be dead. Don’t fucking be dead!_

But Erwin wasn’t dead. Before he could fall he shot his line into Eren’s neck and swung himself upward. Levi wanted to scream for him to retreat but he knew Erwin wouldn’t listen. He just had to get there already, and he was so close. He could see Erwin clearly now. Could see him as he brought his sword up and slashed it across Eren’s nape.

_Erwin!_ He didn’t dare call the name aloud. He didn’t dare distract Erwin at this moment. Instead Levi launched his lines, shooting them to their absolute maximum length, and caught them in the side of the Aberrant. He swung himself up, spinning recklessly fast in an attempt to pick up speed and sliced all the way up the things back until he hit the nape and tore into it with both swords. He dug in so deep that the entire Titan’s head came free and crashed to the ground much as Eren’s had done. Never had Levi held so much vicious feeling in a Titan kill.

_That’s for Erwin you fucking shit cunt!_

“Levi!”

Levi yanked his head up and caught Erwin’s gaze. He wanted to scream at the man who’d so easily risked his life, but there was no time for that now. Erwin was covered in blood--both Titan and his own--as he yanked Eren out his Titan body with a sickening sucking sound.

“Take him!” he bellowed. “Your horse will handle both your weights.”

Erwin threw Eren. He didn’t do it because he was being thoughtless or because he didn’t care for the boy--he did it because he knew Levi would catch him. Because even if Levi hadn’t managed to convey to the man how deeply he loved him, he’d at least been able to earn the man’s most implicit trust.

Levi closed his arms around the boy, wincing at the impact. But he didn’t drop him, he would never have dropped anything or anyone Erwin had risked his life for. But now that he’d caught him he knew what he had to do next, and it made him want to vomit.

“Go!” Erwin roared. He spit out a tooth and then yanked his hooks out of the Titan and shot off of it as its hand came slicing through the air after him.

Levi crushed Eren to his chest with one hand and leapt into the air, feeling the separation like a slice through his intestines. _Get him away and come back. Safety and then back._ Because it was the only the thought of coming back that could keep him moving forward. He whistled to his horse as he soared through the air but it was nowhere to be found. That wasn’t good. That really wasn’t good. He’d have to look for a horse with a dead soldier now and there wasn’t any time. He needed to--

“LEVI!”

The small captain’s head shot up as simultaneous dread and relief filled him. Because even though he would always be happy to hear Hanji’s voice, he never wanted to hear it in a time of danger.

He whipped his head in the direction of the shout and found Hanji and Moblit riding hard and fast toward him, and gripped in one of her hands were the reigns of his horse.

Levi fell through the air. He didn’t have anything to shoot his gear into anyway, and landed several dozen meters away from the pair, but a few moments later they were there. Moblit reached down and ripped Eren out of his arms so that Levi was free to crouch down and spring onto the back of his still moving horse. He turned to shout directions at the pair of them but froze when he finally took in Hanji’s face. Her eyes were wet and bloodshot. Never before had he seen her cry. And as his hand reached for her and his mouth opened to ask, he realized what it was and dropped his hand. His horse, which loved her almost as much as it loved him, had probably gone racing to find her as soon as he’d dismounted. But Hanji had seen the horse, rider-less, and come to one conclusion. She’d thought he’d died.

“Hanji…”

“Go to him,” she said, and swiped a hand over her eyes roughly. “We’ll take Eren. Go now.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. He broke away from the group and urged his terrified horse forward. When Erwin had been made Commander of the survey corps, he’d used some of the budget given to him to offer Levi the choice of any horse he desired, but he hadn’t chosen any of the ones presented to him. Because the day before, on his way to the interior on a mission, he’d passed a field where a horse had confronted a snake, looked at it, and then calmly lifted its hoof and smashed it down on the snakes head, killing it. The moment Levi had been told to pick a horse he’d ridden back to that field, talked to the farmer who owned him and purchased him for two months of his salary. He’d figured that a horse that fearless would be the perfect companion for facing down Titans. He hadn’t been wrong. Because no matter how scared the beautiful stallion got he always moved forward at Levi’s urging. The horse was getting older now, but he was still at the peak of his strength, and Levi wouldn’t have trusted any other creature to get him to his commander now.

As if sensing his urgency, the horse whipped him forward, moving faster than ever despite how tired he must have been. Levi was closer now, but not close enough. He was staring at Erwin’s back as the man swung through the air and landed on a Titan’s neck. There were so many in the area now that it was almost impossible to keep track of the blonde, but Levi was concentrating very hard, and that’s why he had a full view of the man as another Aberrant landed on the one Erwin perched on, and snatched him in an impossibly fast fist.

Levi heard something snap. He’d heard the sound before on countless comrades but it wasn’t the same. None of those snaps, not even Petra’s, could have broken him as thoroughly as that single sound did in that moment.

He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t even feel the pain of it. But the shock, though total, didn’t paralyze him. Before the snap had even finished resounding in his head he was out of his saddle and in the air.

Levi was too far away. He never let this much distance come between the commander and him for precisely this reason. His job in the survey corps was to protect Erwin Smith. It was his job always. But he was failing, because there was far too much distance between Erwin, him, and the abnormal Titan’s teeth were only a couple of feet away from his commander.

He shot his gear as far as it could go so that he swung crazily through the air. You were supposed to use small controlled advances with it. But that was only when you were trying to stay alive. But Levi wasn’t trying to save his life. At that moment the only important thing to him in his world was to save the beautiful blonde who was a hair’s breadth away from losing his life.

But Titans were faster than humans. They always had been. And this aberrant was the fastest Titan Levi had ever seen so that before his gear could hook into the nearest Titan’s skin, Erwin was up in the air, the aberrant having tossed him up--up, up, up, far above his head, and Levi’s neck could only crane farther and farther back as he watched that huge man, who looked so very tiny in that moment, tossed through the air like a helpless doll. A beautiful broken doll.

_I can make it_! Levi’s mind screamed. _Before he finishes falling I’ll be there. I’ll snatch him right out of the air. I’ll--_

The titan’s teeth snapped down around Erwin’s middle.

Every breath, every droplet in the atmosphere froze to Levi in that moment. His whole world cranked to a halt as his mind tried to comprehend the impossible. The Titan had jumped. It had leapt up higher than he’d ever seen a Titan do. As if it had been propelled upward by some sort of explosion. Levi’s hooks had sunk down into Titan flesh and he was swinging in a huge arc. But he was too late. The titan’s teeth were there. They were--

They were trapped against the large rectangular boxes of the 3dmg.

Levi didn’t bother to try and process that one. He didn’t think about how unlikely that landing was, or how long it would take the Titan’s teeth to rip through the metal, or how impossible it would be to save Erwin in that positon. He just moved.

He shot forward with every energy fueled cell in his tiny being and rocketed toward his commander, spinning so fast even his battle hardened stomach was threatening to upchuck the breakfast he’d eaten in what seemed like a different lifetime. Another Titan threw itself in his way. Its mouth opened to maximum capacity as it appeared in Levi’s vision, blurting out his entire world with its repugnant face and fetid breath. Levi didn’t bother to go around. He’d been given a reprieve of less than a second. He couldn’t waste even a fraction of it. He didn’t slow his spinning by a single degree and instead brought both swords in close to his body, deadly blades out and blew right into the thing’s mouth. Its saliva burned as it touched him. Another Aberrant quality, but it didn’t break his concentration. Not that, or its huge and rotting tongue or huge flesh ripping teeth. He spun right through the burning putrid cavern until he bit the back of the thing’s throat and kept going. He roared as he dug all of his strength into his sword arms as he wrenched them into the flesh and tore them through.

Air spoiled by thick titan gore was sucked into his lungs even as he screamed and blood, brighter than humans’, flew into his eyes, obscuring his vision. But he’d isolated Erwin’s position in his mind so even had he been blind he’d have been able to find the man. As the last of him cleared the pulp of a Titan, his spinning momentum reached its absolute maximum--and then he was there.

Erwin’s smell, increased by the man’s sweat and adrenaline filled Levi’s nostrils even over the rotting scent of Titan flesh and coppery blood. His mouth was burning with his own blood, Titan’s blood, and the saliva that burned his throat and that would have made him vomit on any other occasion, but those sensations were all secondary to the overwhelming one that was Erwin. Erwin, who his entire body made clear, was the person more important than any part of himself would ever be to him. His chest was on fire--he’d aspirated the saliva--but even a lack of breath wouldn’t slow him now. His arm wrapped around Erwin, scrambling for the straps around the man’s hips and therefore putting his flesh directly between Erwin and the Titan’s teeth, while his other hand came up, and, with strength surging through him via an adrenaline rush whose magnitude he’d never quite felt before, wrenched his blade up between two teeth, through titan lips and gums and carved out the whole front section of the titan’s face in one lightning fast brutal arc of slicing metal. He wrenched Erwin toward him as a huge spray of Titan blood burst from the wound he’d created. He was actually thankful for the burning hot liquid as it saturated Erwin’s clothes, making him slippery and reducing the friction that kept the commander locked in the Titan’s jaws. However, that slipperiness would also be a problem, because as Levi shoved off of the Titan’s face with both booted feet, he felt, for the first time, the full load of Erwin’s dead weight--a weight uneasy to bear at the best of times given that the man was basically a wall of muscle, but made even harder now that Levi only had one arm to hold him--one very slippery and ill equipped arm. But dropping Erwin, or even jostling him more than necessary was unthinkable. He’d manage even if it killed him.

With his hand wrapped tightly in Erwin’s straps he pressed the commander to his chest and swung through the air, twisting his head around for something, anything, to ground himself with.

A hand--the same lightning fast hand--cut through the air making straight for Levi and his precious baggage. He let himself sink further through the air--he’d rather risk the drop than become Titan fodder--but still his mind ran desperately, searching.

His eyes settled on a Titan thigh and he shot his hook forward. Without the use of the other side of his gear they spun crazily through the air. Levi had expected that of course, but not to this degree. Erwin’s unfamiliar weight and Levi’s subdued coordination were wreaking havoc with his ability to judge trajectories.

_A horse. My entire soldier career for a motherfucking horse!_ He thought as the hook caught and they swung down again, lower. But every able bodied horse would have scampered by now. No one should have stayed to try and engage. That would have been suicide. It would have been--

The whinny, when it came, was both so unexpected and yet so welcome at that moment that Levi was dizzy from it. But nonetheless when he looked down he was still able to, despite his disorientation, make out the shining dark mane of his most trusted and beloved animal companion--as well as the woman riding her.

“Hanji!” His voice was breathless and his lungs rumbled. She shouldn’t have been able to hear him, but she looked up and met his eyes. She held her arms open wide. “Give him! Now!”

Levi wanted to weep. She was going to die. By all his expectations they were all going to die. Erwin had pushed Levi forward had told him to take Hanji and go. He had wanted them to survive. He had known he would die but he’d wanted Levi and Hanji to survive, and Levi had ruined that by going after him. Levi didn’t know what Erwin would have said to him now. He hadn’t been able to get a look at the man but he expected that he was probably already dead or at the least unconscious and dying, but he would have liked to think that Erwin wouldn’t have judged him for this. That he wouldn’t have gone down hating Levi for doing something his heart had compelled him to do.

At the very lowest point of his arc Levi released his gear, ripping it from the Titan’s flesh with a sick squelch, and plummeted to the ground with Erwin now wrapped tightly in both his arms. It was a 15 foot drop, something that had never fazed him before, but as he landed he only gave thought to protecting Erwin, and that meant some sacrifices. He couldn’t see the ground as it approached given the bulk of Erwin’s back, so that when he bent his knees to absorb the impact he landed wrong. Not too wrong--just enough to send shooting eye watering pain up his right leg. He recognized the pain. Had felt it before because of Annie’s super hard skin. If it wasn’t broken than some muscles at least had definitely torn.

“Shit,” he hissed, forcing all his weight and Erwin’s onto the other leg. He couldn’t walk now. But he didn’t need to. The next moment hands--warm familiar ones--tucked themselves securely under Erwin’s armpits, and tugged. The moment he felt Hanji’s pull, Levi used his strength to lift the broken man up and onto his horse. This meant putting weight onto his injured leg but the pain served only to sharpen his focus. “Is he--”

“There’s a pulse. But we need to go. Now. You need a horse. I lost mine. We need to find you--”

But Levi was already moving, forcing his legs to move through sheer will alone, his teeth gritted tightly over the pain. “Keep him Alive! That’s all I’ll ever ask you again, so just keep him the fuck alive!”

That statement was all he had time for. He needed to concentrate. Hanji had Erwin. She would take him away from here. She wouldn’t engage. She wouldn’t because she knew Levi better than anyone else and she knew what Erwin meant to him. She’d take him to safety, and with that knowledge secure, he’d be able to look forward and face his next challenge with single minded clarity. He had to fight. His body had been sculpted for it, his mind and reflexes honed for it. He wasn’t good at love, or relationships, or anything requiring the expression of human emotions, but he hoped that this--his putting his life, his body, between the Titans and those he loved--would be able to say to them what his words could not.

He shot out his lines, quickly adjusting back to two handed combat, and felt the pull, familiar to him as his own breathing, of his gear. He arced up into the air, his journey accompanied by a pattering of blood as it dripped off of him--an awful mix of his, Erwin’s and several Titan’s blood combined--and then his mind became a machine.

He saw Titan flesh and sliced. He sliced and sliced so that even when a sharp ripping pain in his right hand suddenly made holding his gear almost impossible, he kept moving and kept slicing. He killed the Titan that had injured his hand and kept killing. His body wasn’t registering pain, only the pressure of exertion as his muscles forced sword after sword to plunge into flesh. When a sword broke, he replaced it. When a limb became unusable, he used another, or disregarded his body’s limits and forced it to work anyway. There was no possibility of failure now. Every Titan that escaped him would go after Erwin. So there was no question of Levi dying--he had to keep going until every last one was gone.

There was a strange irony in the fact that the last nape Levi’s sword found belonged to the Titan that had broken Erwin in the first place. In that last instant before his sword plunged into the skin he marveled briefly in the creature’s speed, and then another spray of blood drenched him, adding to others.

He buckled on its nape. Both of his legs had become unusable and there was nowhere to place them. But it was okay. They were gone. All gone. He could rest now. He could--

The hand that snatched him then wasn’t the strongest of the Titans that had done so today, but it was the one luckiest enough to find Levi when the small captain had nothing left to give. He’d slain 15 Titans in three terror fueled minutes and suffered too many injuries to counter.

_Well Hanji should be able to handle just one if it comes after Erwin_ he thought, hoping that his near death wasn’t making him delusional. _She’s such a resourceful creature. Love the damn woman to bits. What a fucking nut. She better take care of my Erwin or I’ll stab her in the uterus._

The fingers around him squeezed making breathing impossible. He could feel several of his ribs splinter. His pain receptors were becoming active again. He was being lifted. The idea of feeding one of these creatures was repugnant to him. He wholeheartedly believed in being the hunter, not the hunted, but sometimes things didn’t go the way he wanted and he’d have to learn to accept that--especially since this was the last chance he had to do so. Breath, uncomfortably hot and noxious coated him as he approached the Titan’s mouth. He was already so befouled that this latest addition hardly made a difference, but he couldn’t help wishing that his death would be a little more…hygienic. He would have preferred to die in the bath…and while he was indulging himself in fantasy, he decided to go all out so that in addition to the bathwater he pictured a familiar set of strong arms. Erwin’s arms were warm and bare, and they felt so good against Levi even if they were only in his mind. Despite the crunching of his ribs Levi could feel warmth expanding in his chest. He wished he’d have held onto Erwin for just one more second before handing him off to Hanji. It was a regret he could do nothing about now, but he still held onto it. He had a huge list of regrets piled up. Some of them had to do with his old companions, Isabel and Farlan. Some of them had to do with his old squad. But the most pressing ones he felt right now all had to do with Erwin.

_I just wish I knew whether I made you happy or not,_ Levi thought. His throat was closing up over the smell of Titan. _All I ever wanted was your happiness—even if it couldn’t be with me._

He smiled, strangely able to find peace in this moment despite its crackling danger and disgusting nature. He felt the all surrounding heat as the Titan’s mouth descended over him. _I love you Erwin._

Next was the teeth. It was almost always the teeth though sometimes they swallowed you whole. But Levi hoped for the teeth. He didn’t really savor the idea of drowning in Titan juice. But he never got to see which method it would actually be because the next second he felt the shallow nick of a blade, and then the huge fingers holding him exploded into gory fountains of blood. A familiar arm encircled his waist and yanked, dragging him up before gravity could take effect.

“Captain!” Moblit cried, tossing Levi over his shoulder as he swung crazily through the air. “Hang on!”

Levi’s eyes flew open and jerked around in dizzy confusion. There were many things he didn’t understand. One was where Moblit had come from. Two was why everything seemed to be spinning around all crazy and fuzzy like. Three was why he why the deputy squad leader had come when he should have been fleeing for his life, but it was the fourth question he finally addressed.

“You left Hanji?” His voice sounded distant and tinny to his own ears.

He realized there were tears running down Moblit’s face, though the man didn’t look like he was aware of them. “I’m so sorry. I was separated from you two and got waylaid by a Titan, and then I chased after Hanji but she told me to go back for you. I wasted so much time. You could have died. If I’d taken another second—“

Maybe he hadn’t made himself clear. “You fucking _left_ Hanji? _You_?”

Moblit’s gear reached the far lengths of its capacity. They began to fall.

“Well obviously I didn’t want to. But I’ll always protect her interests, and at that moment your life was more important to her than her own. I didn’t have a choice.”

Moblit tucked Levi close into the safety of his body and braced for impact. They hit the ground. Hard. Moblit’s knees, and then his shoulders took the brunt of it. But if it hurt, he didn’t let on, because the next movement they were moving again, Levi once again slung over the man’s shoulders. Obviously he would never have agreed to being carried around like a sack of flour but he didn’t really have a choice in the matter. He couldn’t feel his limbs, and all over he felt a kind of aching numbness. His mind was full of a niggling warning that this was a bad thing but his mind was shutting down and couldn’t focus on it too much.

  
“Erwin…” his voice was becoming unrecognizable and he couldn’t seem to make his voice box work up any real volume. “Erwin is he…”

“I don’t know captain, but he’s headed straight for the gates. Squad leader Hanji will make sure his body gets there.”

His body… From those words alone Levi realized that Moblit didn’t think the commander would make it there alive. An awful choking sound left him as his stomach twisted into something approximately the size of a thimble. “Erwin…”

Moblit tossed Levi up and then he was overwhelmed by the smell of horse. Not his horse. Moblit scrambled up after him and tugged Levi forward so that he was encased in his lap before yanking at the reins and jostling them forward. “Just hang in there captain.”

“Take me to Erwin.”

“Don’t talk Captain. Save your strength you’re bleeding too much.”

“To _Erwin_.”

“We’re going directly to the gate and then to the hospital to attend to your wounds.”

“Damn it, Berner! I outrank you and I order you to take me to Erwin!”

Maybe if he’d been Hanji he could have caused the man to cave but as it was Moblit simply tensed his shoulders and drove them forward faster, his hand clamped tightly around Levi’s middle to prevent him from falling. Levi was struggling desperately to stay awake, but it was a losing battle. His eyes were already closing and blackness was filling his mind. “Make sure he lives,” he begged in his final conscious moments. “Hand me off to someone else as soon as we get to the gate and go help him. It’s the only thing I’ll ever ask you.”

“Sorry Captain. I have my orders.”

“Fuck your orders!”

“Rest now captain.”

“I fucking hate you Berner.”

“That’s okay. Just try to stay alive. Hanji will end me if you die.”

He wanted to keep arguing. He really did but his whole mind was being sucked down deep inside of him and the last thing he felt was the throbbing of all four of his limbs and then he was gone.

\---

 

(to be continued)


	2. Chapter 2:

Chapter 2:

 

Most of the time Levi awoke when the military alarms, placed strategically all over the compound, were sounded. Sometimes Levi awoke to bird song, and sometimes it was because of the sound of screaming recruits. Other times it was due to an enthusiastically pounding Hanji who had no concept of time. There were also times where Levi couldn’t pinpoint any one thing that had brought him out of consciousness. But this time wasn’t like any of those circumstances because this time it was because of pain. His body was on fire with it, but he was so deeply absent that he couldn’t place any of it at first. His still half sleeping eyes crinkled tightly against the assault as his body sent out shockwaves to remind him that it was broken. His brows furrowed together and he let out a hiss as it all grew sharper the more he rose out of unconsciousness.

Shit on a new recruit, he thought--a common phrase that had cropped up after some of the survey corps’ first expeditions into the outside world. Upon meeting a Titan up close for the first time many tended to pee themselves and a significant amount of others emptied additional things into their pants. Levi hadn’t been one of those. In fact, when he was facing Titans he found that his bodies needs seemed to become erased altogether until the danger passed, but that certainly wasn’t the case now. He could feel every one of his injuries like it was being shoved in his face like one of those damn budget contract things the council was always handing out.

Ugh. Feels like my hand’s been ripped off, he thought, blinking his eyes open and hissing again as the light from the windows stabbed into his sensitive eyes and sliced into his throbbing brain. Where the hell am I?

The room was white--white tiles, white curtains, white walls. And, when he looked down, white sheets as well. But he couldn’t really concentrate on those because when he looked down at his body he realized his prediction hadn’t been too far off. He stared at his right hand and slowly clenched his thumb and forefinger--the only digits remaining on his dominant hand.

Huh. You think I would’ve remembered losing the rest.

But a second later he didn’t remember. Several images swept before his eyes. Titan teeth. Rocket fast hands. Gaping empty titan smiles. And a body. A broken body slack with nothing. A body with blonde hair soaked with red. A body more precious than anything else he could ever wish for, and one that meant everything.

“Erwin!” he gasped, and threw off his blanket. the motion caused pain that was bright red to flash across his vision. Probably due to his mutilated hand and 6 splintered ribs. But he paid it no heed. Nothing else was important now. He swung his legs over the edge of his bed and attempted to stand, but encountered another obstacle. One of his legs was encased from thigh to ankle in thick unyielding plaster making bending his knee an impossible dream. The other was swathed in bandages, and though mobile, the pain that shot up it when he put pressure on it made him realise that it wasn’t going to be all that useful either. But it didn’t matter. He didn’t need legs anyway or fingers or anything other than his sheer need to get to Erwin and he’d drag himself there by his teeth if he had to.

He forced his mobile leg to take the full pressure of his weight, grinding down hard on his back molars as he did so, and then dragged the heavy useless limb behind him with a clumping sort of jump.

“Erwin!” he roared. There were no other patients in his room but he wouldn’t have given a damn if there were. He wouldn't pretend to be a good person right now. He was just a shell full of desperation. “Erwin goddamn asshole Smith!”

Erwin always knew to answer when Levi invoked the power of his full name, but this time his bellow was met with silence--something that just didn’t happen and made Levi clueless about what to do except to shout harder.

“Erwin you fuckhole bastard where the hell are you?”

The bandages on his leg bloomed with flowers of red, and he was pretty sure that the same was true for the bandages on his chest if the wet feeling was anything to go by but he didn’t look down. There was no reason to. Erwin wasn’t by his feet. He’d already checked.

“Goddamn it, Smith! Fucking commander useless!” he spat, and crashed through the door and into the hallway. He miscalculated the force necessary for the movement and careened sideways into the wall. His hand came up to stop himself, but it was a stupid choice. He’d already forgotten about his finger stumps, and so when they hit the hall head on, the stitched skin burst and with it so did Levi’s concentration. Everything went blurry and spinny and black encroached his field of vision. he staggered back but tripped over his immobile leg and went down. Hard. Right on top of his other leg. The one he suspected had the destroyed tendons.

He threw up.

He figured that stomachs must be connected to some pain mechanism somehow because as the face ripped into him from all sides, his stomach said “fuck this” and launched whatever was in him, which wasn’t much, out his mouth and down the front of his shirt.

He retched again and again but there was nothing else to empty. The only things in him were stomach acid and what he suspected were crushed up medications he couldn't’ remember taking.

Disgust raced through him as did panic and horror. his fingers scrambled to pull off the shirt before the vomit could leach through and touch his skin, but his right hand had only two fingers and his left was so swollen it was like trying to use a frying pan to pick up a needle.

He reached for his boot where he always kept a hunting knife, but he wasn’t wearing his boots. Just the plaster on one foot and the bandages on the other.

“Fuck. Erwin...I...fuck.”

He grabbed the two halves of his shirt in his awkward clumsy hands and yanked. More fire raced up his limbs but he just needed the damn thing off. Blood was awful, and so was dirt but it was body secretions that Levi was most fearful of--always had been ever since he’d seen those dying of the black fever in the underground--the victims covered in their own feces as they lost the control to care for themselves at the very end of the disease’s progression. No matter how advanced his hygienic practices he lived in fear that he would become one of those victims. That his last moments would be spent suffocating in the stick of his own waste.

The buttons popped off and LEvi let the tattered remains of the shirt slide down his arms. His breathing was hard and sharp and he could taste tears in his throat. But no. He wouldn’t cry. Wherever he was, Levi knew that Erwin was even worse and that he would need his captain to be strong.

If he even needs you at all a dark and terrifying part of himself pointed out. Dead men don’t have many requests.

But no. Erwin couldn’t be dead. Levi refused to believe it. Didn’t have the strength to believe it now.

I would have felt it somehow. I would know if he was gone. I would KNOW.

Of course he wouldn’t know. He had enough comrades that had lost precious loved ones to know that. but he was willing to tell himself anything that would get him off that floor and moving again even though his body was trying to shut down on him.

The vomit was still a bitter coating on his throat and tongue and every time he blinked black spots sparked in his vision, but he put himself onto all fours and pushed back on his legs, forcing them to take his weight as he staggered back to his feet.

“Erwin…”

His voice had lost a lot of his force because anything too loud made his stomach threaten to empty again. He tried to walk and collided again with the wall. “Erwin please…”

He put his foot down again and again, leaning on the wall even though it made his arm and shoulder scream as he made himself keep going. “Don’t be dead. I need you to not be dead. Please Erwin. Be alive so you can throw me out of the army like you promised. Be alive to yell at me for disobeying your orders. Be alive so you can make me feel sick with your disappointment but don’t you dare be dead. I won’t fucking let you be.”

Anger was the greater fire now. More than his pain or his panic it was the anger that gripped him because if Erwin so much as dared to be unconscious Levi was going to fuck him up with whatever part of his gear he could still wield with his mangled hands. Erwin was the sneakiest most ruthless man Levi had ever met, and that included all the slimeballs and rats he’d met in the underground. If anyone was better equipped to escape death than the commander of the survey corps he was probably hiding in a hole somewhere far away from civilization where Levi would never find him. Erwin had to be alive. Everything would be too stupid otherwise.

“Erwin I swear to whatever fucking thing makes Titans that if you don’t answer me in the next point three seconds I’m going to shove whatever fingers I have left straight into your liver you cock sniffing bastard. Now TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE GOD DAMN--”

“Captain?”

Levi froze his uneven hobbling and turned his head to the left where a vastly familiar voice had just called for him. He looked into the room and found Eren struggling to sit up looking dazed and pained as his limbs steamed, in their attempts to regrow. Now that Levi looked back on it he supposed Eren had been a bit stumpy when Erwin had thrown the boy at him. he guessed that the commander hadn’t been too worried about his cutting technique when he’d sliced the boy out of his Titan.

Eren pressed a hand to his face--it had even less fingers on it than Levi’s did, if it had any there at all--it was hard to see with all the steam. “Captain why are you out of bed? Hanji said your femur punctured right through your leg. You’re not supposed to stand on it for at least three--”

“Erwin,” Levi gasped, grasping Eren’s doorway so that he wouldn’t fall on his face. “Where is he?”

“Down the hallway. There was so many people in there before. But there’s no point in going to talk to him now because he--”

“SHUT UP!”

Levi’s words burst out of him in a rush of panic. His cheeks were burnt red from exertion but his lips were bloodless and his eyes were hollowed out with terror.

“If you dare tell me--if you think you can just go and tell me that he can’t because he’s--because he’s--”

Levi couldn’t say the word. No way in any universe would he acknowledge the fact that Erwin might have left him. Not that. He couldn’t.

Levi’s breaths were still exploding out of him, his shattered ribs screaming from it. The pain was making everything seem too real--its sharpness forcing him to focus. But he didn’t want to focus on terrifying possibilities. He just wanted to see his commander--whole and trying to hide his smile as he shook his head at Levi’s worry. He wanted to be wrong. He wanted his fear to be unfounded. He wanted.

Eren’s eyes were swimming with confusion at the outburst, but as Levi took a leap and half clump/jump into the room, a good amount of panic entered his expression as well. “Wait! No! Calm down. You’ve got it all--”

“If you ever dare to tell me to calm down again I’m going to wrap your straps around your neck and force feed you to a Titan’s anus!”

“But Titan’s don’t have--”

“Fucking correct me again! I dare you!”

“But captain I have to. Because Erwin--”

“Didn’t I tell you to shut up about--”

“Isn’t dead!”

“WHAT?”

Levi somehow managed to cross the rest of the space in the room in less than a second, the memory of how he did so swallowed by his shock.

“He--he’s alive?”

He would later deny the breathless quality of his voice to anyone who asked.

“Yes. He is. So please breathe captain. I saw it with my own eyes when they carried him past my room on his way back from surgery but--”

Levi’s legs gave out and sent him crashing to the floor. Eren threw one of his stumps out toward him but without his fingers he hadn’t a hope of catching him. Luckily most of Levi’s body landed on the edge of Eren’s bed and not on his poor pulpy leg. But even so Eren didn’t grow calmer because Levi was making these awful gasping sounds as he tried to process the astounding quality of his relief.

“C-Captain…?”

“Alive...My….alive...He’s...fuck. Erwin he--I’m going to kill him. I’m definitely going to kill that stupid gorgeous son of a bitching bastard--fuck! Alive. Thank god. That shitting little...my Erwin. Alive. I’m going to kill that pussy ass cocksucking little shit pisser. Fucking alive. After all that he’s--gonna slap the shit out of him for scaring me like--”

“Captain maybe you want to sit down or--”

Levi’s head snapped up, coming back down to reality with a mental crash. “Right. Need to see him. Thank you Eren.” He pushed himself off the bed as if all four of his limbs weren’t out of commission.

“No! Captain you can’t--”

“Eren shut your bitch ass mouth and focus on healing. I need to have a little...talk with your commanding officer. Show that little--”

“But you can’t, sir. He can’t say anything. He can’t do much of anything really. The Titan snapped his spine, sir, and--”

No.

Whatever words the boy said after that were lost on Levi.

Couldn’t speak.. Broken spine… How bad did your injury have to be if even your ability to speak was paralyzed? But no. That wasn’t possible. No one could possibly shut Commander Smith up. He was a ruthless and arrogant bastard who always ALWAYS had to have the last word. Who always won their arguments. Who teased Levi relentlessly about everything from his clean freak tendencies to the way he held a tea cup. There was no way Erwin couldn’t speak. No way levi had heard the last of the man’s voice.

“Erwin you--you assholic little--I fucking hate you --you--you stupid--ERWIN!”

And with that he was off like a shot, dragging his dead leg behind him like it belonged to someone else. He paid no attention to his body now. When his bad shoulder slammed into the doorway heading into the hall he didn’t flinch, and when he caught the doorpost with his mutilated hand in order to propel himself forward he didn’t blink. Instead fire of the hottest burning fury he’d ever experienced burned in his eyes as he screamed Erwin’s name like something demented.

He reached the end of the hallway. his stitches had broken open to the extent that his blood had gone completely through his bandages and left a dripping trail leading all the way from Eren’s room. He didn’t hear Eren’s shouts, or the roaring of his blood in his ears or his painful labored breaths. All he heard was the empty air that didn’t hold Erwin’s voice. Erwin who would never, not even if he was monumentally furious at Levi, fail to speak if Levi was this panicked. He would never, of course, unless he had no choice in the matter. But still he denied it, refusing to believe even if all the evidence was there, that is, until he finally burst through the door at the end of the hall and took in the figure on the bed.

For half a moment Levi sagged, like a sack of deflated skin, all energy lost as he stared at the man who couldn’t be his commander. Even when he was sleeping Erwin usually managed to command more dignity than the other officers. But this...there was no dignity in this. The only part of Erwin that Levi could really see to recognize was his hair and eyes. the rest was completely encased in metal and plaster. His head was held in place by metal tongs of sorts and from his torso it looked his metal limbs, almost like spider legs were coming out of it and strapping everything down. Hard white plaster encased each of his limbs and the only things peeking out were bare fingers and toes, all of which looked swollen. He was perfectly still apart from his eyes. His eyes shot to the doorway and hooked into Levi with a desperate kind of sharpness. Levi couldn’t see the man’s mouth because a plaster coated it as well. Altogether it equaled the most broken looking body he had ever seen. So much worse than his own. His knees, already weak and unwilling to hold him, gave out, and he crashed to the floor. Erwin’s eyes shot wide open and then a sound--not of any kind of speech or human language, left him--it was a terrified yet muffled sound so unlike the man’s usual eloquence that Levi was frozen by it.

“Erwin…”

He was beyond feeling pain now. Shock had frozen his system. He pushed his hands against the floor and forced himself up. “Erwin.”

The man’s eyes never left him. They were tight with pain. And he let out another sound. Less sharp, burt just as urgent. Levi needed to hear it again.

“Erwin. My stupid fucking asshole Commander. You...I...you--”

His legs crossed the room. Not dragging his leg this time, forcing it to work, making every part of him move and function to get there quicker. To reach the man. To check. To see.

He found him but didn’t know where to put his hands. The man’s whole body was screaming “don’t touch!” So fragile. He’d never thought this possible. Even death wouldn’t have made Erwin this fragile. Finally Levi carefully cradled the man’s face, thumbs brushing over the plaster to reach the tiny bits of skin. His fingers sank into the man’s hair--truly unruly for the first time he’d seen. Erwin’s skin was burning hot. Sick. So sick. Even being broken wasn’t enough, his body had to be raging with the heat of sickness too.

“Erwin…”

Drops fell from his eyes. He did nothing to stop them. He wasn’t going to let go of Erwin now. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t cried since the days of the underground. It didn’t matter that he was supposed to be strong now by default since he was the only one who could move. Nothing mattered except for the fact that Erwin was broken and trapped in a body that was almost dead. There was nothing that could be worse than that. Nothing could have happened that would have hurt worse than seeing this precious man barely clinging to half life this way. But something came close and that was the fact that this was--

“All my fault… Didn’t listen to my gut. Didn’t protect you. Let this happen. All my fault. You’re broken and it’s all my--”

He let out a sob that made his shoulders jump and swallowed his voice. His mouth fell open wide and his face twisted with violent hurt. Pain he couldn't’ handle despite all he’d been through. The type of pain he never could have prepared for even after losing isabel and Farlan. Even after losing his squad. Losing Erwin had never been an option for Levi. And so this was the final brutal spit in the face that his cruel life had thrown him.

“I...refuse to accept this. I refuse to have this reality. Someone take it back. Take it all back and give me my Commander back. Give him back the way he was. Give him back without the blood. Without the plaster. Give him back to me. Give him…”

His eyes were squeezed tightly shut and he shook so much that his hands slipped off of Erwin. The fact that Erwin didn’t move, didn’t put an arm around him. Didn’t pull Levi’s hands back to his face...The fact that Levi somehow had to become strong enough to hold both of them was too much. He sank down onto Erwin’s bed. Trying to jostle nothing. To hurt nothing. Because god knew Erwin was hurting too much already. The sharpness in the man’s eyes made it clear that Erwin--the real Erwin--the part that couldn’t be taken away no matter how broken his body--was still there, only trapped. And Levi didn’t know if that was somehow worse than having a deadeyed Erwin. Just knowing that Erwin was feeling all this, experiencing his total entrapment…

Levi’s fingers scrambled up again. They found ERwin’s hair and twisted tighlty in it. He was making so much noise that he was drowning out everything else, and it was only when his body forced him to take a gasping inhale that he heard Erwin, and then he lost it, because despite the lack of language he was still able to make out the tone of the sound--something universal that anyone would inherently recognize. He was making sounds of calming--of soothing understanding, so that even without the use of his limbs or his words he was still trying, in his burning sickness, to make Levi feel better. And if there had been even the tiniest bit of him that had been in denial before, it was broken then. His face dropped and his forehead fell on top of Erwin’s, and with eyes squeezed too tight he sobbed and he sobbed, wanting Erwin’s arms but knowing he would never have them--didn’t deserve them--but wanting them more than anything else regardless. His mouth was moving, words tumbling, but he wasn’t aware of them until he’d been crying for a long time, and even then, when comprehension finally began to filter through, the words were still awfully disorganized, but the same idea, again and again, was repeated, because his body couldn’t seem able to produce anything else. “You...I love...so much you...always did...couldn’t help...so much I wanted to tell but...wasn’t supposed to but couldn’t help...I tried but...I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you I wish I’d told you I wish I wanted to but I didn’t. I could’ve but didn’t. More than anyone in this world I love--why did this happen? Why to you? Why not me? I’m worth so much less than you. I love myself so much less than you. I could handle it being me so much more but not when it’s you. I failed. I failed when it counted. Why couldn’t I have saved just one important person? I can never save the important ones. But you would think if it was you I’d find a way but I couldn’t and now it’s too late and I know you hate me. I hate me too. But I love you. I love you so damn…”

He was too sick to continue. There was no point to his words. His love was a bastard thing. It didn’t help anything or anyone, not himself, not Erwin, and he hated it, but he also loved it because it was connected to Erwin and Erwin was so damn important and that had always been clear but now it was especially clear and oh god why couldn’t Erwin have been spared? Why had Moblit saved him? Why was this real? Why couldn’t it be a dream? Why wouldn’t his damn tears stop even though they were even more useless than his love was? Why?

He didn’t expect any answers. The world was just a huge lie to him now. This kind of pain was like a lie to life. It shouldn’t have been possible to be alive and feel this. He didn’t want to feel this. But he did want to see Erwin even though the sight would break him, so he forced his eyes open. He shouldn’t have.

He thought he was already feeling pain. He was wrong.

Because the sight of Erwin’s eyes streaming tears, so soundlessly and unmoving, brought on a pain that was unable to be masked by his shock, and so tore through him with no mercy, doing more damage than any Titan, no matter how abnormal, could have done, and proving to Levi that Erwin’s eyes were a far stronger and deadlier weapon than he’d ever known before.

“Don’t forgive me,” he whispered. “Don’t ever forgive me. Hate me. Hurt me. Never let me forget what I’ve done. Never let me go a day being okay. Never allow me to see anything but what I’ve broken. Don’t comfort me. Don’t let me see the kindness in your eyes. Don’t. let me have you. Don’t. Don’t.” But already his lips were there against Erwin’s skin, and then he was kissing every place he could reach, pressing his lips to every uncovered patch of burning skin. Both their faces were wet so everything became wet. His fingers clung to Erwin’s hair even as he pressed kisses to it. He’d never really felt it before, he realized, and it was softer than he’d expected. So much of the rest of Erwin was hard--his authority, his body, his decisions. But his hair was soft sort of like Erwin was beneath all that hardness. He needn’t have denied all the accusing words of his colleagues all these years. They were right. Erwin did have a soft spot for Levi. He’d done and said things for Levi that went much farther than the line of duty dictated. Levi was allowed to get away with things none of the others could. He could scream and spit and snarl at Erwin and never, not once, had Erwin been put off or annoyed by it. Levi’s life belonged to Erwin. The moment the man had caught him in the underground it had been so. Erwin could have sent Levi to his death. But he didn’t. He’d made a soldier out of him instead. A strong soldier. A fast soldier. But a failure of a soldier because when it came down to it, when it had really counted, Levi had failed him, and in the worst possible way.

“Tell me not to love you and I’ll try. Tell me not to ever talk to you again and I’ll try. Tell me not to look or touch and damn it Erwin, I’ll try, but don’t look at me like that. Don’t accept this. Don’t accept me. Not after what I’ve done. Please...don’t…”

But Erwin’s eyes were even softer than his hair. Wet and kind and gentler than anything the world had ever shown him. Levi’s lips hit plaster, but they kept going, pressing exactly where Erwin’s mouth would have been beneath it. “I love you. It’s stupid and useless and I wish it was enough but it’s not and I love you.” He brushed his shaky fingers beneath Erwin’s eyes, swiping away tears, but more replaced them. He let out an empty husk of a laugh. A dead sound. “Jesus. Your waterworks are worse than mine. Didn’t know that was possible. He swiped across his own eyes angrily and tore a wrenching jolt of pain from his bad shoulder in the process. He must have flinched or made a small movement because Erwin’s eyes darted to the shoulder.

“It’s nothing,” Levi said, “Worry about your own damn self. At least mine moves.”  He reached down and touched Erwin’s fingers. “I always wanted hands like yours. Strong. Capable. Mine were too elegant. They didn’t look like Titan killing hands. But yours...you looked like you could save the whole world with them. And it’s...funny. They still look the same. Like they could do anything but...they can’t even hold one little underground street thug.”

He was still shaking, and he hated that, but he brought the fingers up to his mouth and kissed each of them in turn. Beneath him Erwin made a wretched sound. His eyes were pain and they were stuck to Levi’s fingers, or what was left of them. Levi pressed his cheek to Erwin’s fingers. “Don’t look at me like that. You were going to strip me of my soldier status anyway. It doesn’t matter that I can’t weild the gear anymore. Though I’d probably still be better than most of the sorry recruits you drag in every year. They’re not going to let me fight though. It goes against the regulations. Gotta be able bodied and all. Whole. Only you ever let me get away with breaking regulations… But it doesn’t matter. I only ever joined the army for you, and I’ll go wherever you go forever. That is, if you even want to be around me. I know you’d prefer Hanji. I’m assuming she’s the one who put you in this whole getup. Genious woman. She must have made half this stuff up. God knows our world’s level of medicine is crap. I hope she’s at least helping with the pain. I’ll kick her ass if she isn’t. That’s all i’m really good at--kicking asses. Not saving them. Couldn’t even save my mother. Maybe you should have left me in the underground, Erwin. Maybe then you would’ve picked a more reliable right hand man to stay by your side. Mike wouldn’t have left you. Mike would have stayed. Mike was who you needed on that expedition. Mike was an ideal partner. Tall, strong, loyal, handsome...I was always so fucking jealous of that bastard. He got to go through training with you. He got such a damn huge headstart on me. I could see the way you looked at him. See the way you trusted him. And I would burn with ugly immature jealousy. It was only after he died that I realized how stupid I was. It was only after I saw how that loss affected you...Erwin, I’d go back in a second and sacrifice my life so that you could have him back again. I never wanted you to spend a day without him. Not being Mike was the first way I failed you, I was hoping it would be the last, but...well that didn’t happen. If Mike were here maybe he’d know the right thing to say, or maybe he wouldn’t have to say anything at all. But no, you’re stuck with me spewing stupid crap that’s just hurting the both of us and...shit. I knew...when I handed you to Hanji I knew... I wanted you to be okay so badly, but I knew. Because the world doesn’t give me what I want. I just wish I hadn’t wanted you because then maybe the world wouldn’t have hurt you. Everything I touch is broken. My love is poison. I should have warned you. Maybe if I’d confessed earlier you would have run, but then again, you were never very good at running. Neither is Hanji. For whatever reason she’s stuck herself to me. I hope I never hurt her. I hope I don’t punish her. I’m so afraid for her. But at least she has Moblit to look out for her. to protect her from me. I used to be okay because you had Mike, but now who’s going to protect you from me? Who’s going to stop my damn poison?”

Levi dropped Erwin’s hand back to the bed and brought his hands in close to his chest. He was pretty sure he’d never dropped this many words before in his life. It was perverse that the thing that had finally allowed his words to break free was to see Erwin caged by his own body. He bit down at his lip and looked back to Erwin’s face. The wings of freedom--Erwin’s eyebrows--were there. Everyone called them that, even the people who supposedly hated the term. But Erwin wasn’t free now. Perhaps he would never be and that kind of pain was exhausting. Everything was exhausting, and LEvi was so damn exhausted he felt disconnected from his own broken body.

He looked down at his lap, guilt needling his gut. He had no right to ask the thing he was thinking, but he was going to do it anyway because he was a curse and a burden and a selfish fucking asshole who only felt his love and was too tired for morality. “Can I stay here?” he whispered. “One sound for yes, two for no.”

Erwin let out one sound, soft but unmistakable.

“Are you sure?”

Another sound.

Levi gave him a soft smile. “You always did spoil me rotten.”

He bent to press his lips to Erwin’s forehead again, but froze at a sound. It wasn’t in the room. It was the sound of footsteps. Familiar footsteps. But they sounded different. Angry. He wondered why. She was quick to inform him.

“LEVI!”

He was pretty sure she’d never heard her bark quite that sharply.

“Levi you little shit ingrate I’m going to bury you in steaming Titan intestines!”

That was rather...specific, as well as awful sounding. He didn’t want to be in Titan intestines. He wanted to be here, with Erwin. He wanted to say so, but at that moment the door flew open with a bang, having been kicked open by Hanji’s booted foot. And then she was there, in all her burning furious glory. Her eyes, quick as molten mercury, found him, and widened spectacularly.

“You. Little. Fuck.”

For the first time Levi felt what Titans must feel when about to experience her talented blades.

“Look at yourself! Look at that blood! Look at your stupid…” She slapped her hand down on her face and forced herself to take a deep breath. It was probably meant to calm herself, but when she next spoke she sounded even angrier. “Did you even try not to hurt yourself? Did you think for even a second “geez, I’m all bandaged up. That probably means I’m not supposed to be moving around too much?” Did you? Did you, at the very least, manage to not pop at least a single suture? Just one. That’s all I’m asking. But I don’t think you did. Those bandages are soaked. Soaked! Do you know how much blood you already lost? Do you know how much blood a person loses when their fucking femur punctures through their skin? Do you know? I don’t think you do. I don’t think you’re aware of anything right now except for your plans to further complicate my fucking life because both of you seem to have no interest in anything but trying to die, and I want to murder you both for it, you awful little--ugh! Erwin! What the hell? You’re supposed to be the responsible one. Why’re you letting him run around like that? I swear if you both die I’m not even going to go to the funerals. Stupid fucking--”

“Squad leader.”

It was Moblit’s voice. Of course it was. He always managed to materialize whenever Hanji needed him.

He touched her shoulder and pulled her gently. “Let me take care of it. I’ll carry him back and fix the stitching. You should--”

“Like hell I’m going back,” Levi sniffed. “Erwin already said I could stay here.”

“Oh did he?” Hanji speared the blonde with a sharp look. “Well Erwin isn’t making very reasonable choices right now. You’ll heal a lot better in your own room. You both will.”

“I beg to differ.”

“You’ll be begging for mercy in a minute if you keep protesting.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“I’m going to tranquilize the fuck out of--”

“Squad leader, please. Let me take care of it. You have to sleep. You’ve been up for more than 65 hours now and--”

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead, and if you pester me about it one more time you’re going to wish I was. Besides, you’ve been awake as long as I’ve been, hypocrite.”

“Yes, but yours is the brain that we need to stay sharp, not mine. They’re depending on you to--”

“If I go to sleep now they’ll die on me. I know they will. They’re evil like that.”

“Squad leader…”

“Stop it! I’m not being paranoid. You don’t know them like I do.”

“Squad leader…”

“Both of them. At the same damn time. Would your friends ever do this to you, Moblit? Would they?”

“Squad leader!”

“What!”

“You might as well leave them here because they’re already falling back asleep.”

And so they were. Levi had found the pocket between Erwin’s right arm and his body, and had snuggled into it, laying his head down on the man’s shoulder. He wasn’t asleep yet, but his dizziness and exhaustion both made it clear that he wouldn’t be conscious for long. He laid his arm across Erwin’s middle, careful not to squeeze or press anything. He felt pretty bad about Hanji. She only got threatening and coarse when she was afraid. He wasn’t in an enviable position but, if possible, hers was worse than his. He wanted to help, but couldn't. He couldn’t do anything but hold Erwin now.

“Is this okay?” he muttered.

Erwin let out a single sound.

“Are you in pain?”

Two sounds this time.

“Liar.”

He looked up just in time to see Erwin roll his eyes. It was the first gesture he’d seen that indicated that Erwin’s entire personality was intact. He pressed a clenched fist to his mouth and closed his eyes tight trying to contain the level of his relief without expending more tears. He’d cried enough for one day. And then Hanji was there pulling open the buttons of his shirt.

“I’m gay, you know,” he muttered, giving her a look.

the sharp lines on her forehead and the tense set of her jaw made it clear that it was taking everything in her not to swat him. “That was made clear to me within the first two minutes I saw you with Erwin. Besides. I have no sexual interest in tiny angsty men. I’m fixing the damn bandages you ruined, and then I’m going to give you both more meds before Erwin dies of infection and you die from your awful personality.

Erwin let out an annoyed grunt.

“Yes, I know, It’s pissing you off that you can’t run to his defense or whatever, but he deserves it. Running to take on 15 aberrants by himself… I think Eren’s a bad influence on him, making him suicidal.”

“I think he was suicidal well before Jaeger came along,” Moblit said.

Levi signed. When even the supposedly nice ones were picking on you it was time to leave the conversation. “If Erwin dies I’m going to blame you because I can’t handle it myself,” Levi said, cracking his eyes open for one more second to look at Hanji.

She snorted. “Just go to sleep. And no funny business, Erwin. You heard what I said. Let the swelling go down before you try anything. I’m only wearing this stupid bolo thing temporarily. You hear? Concentrate on healing. That goes for both of you. You’re wasting too much energy on your gay thoughts Levi, I can read them from here. And Erwin is in no state for whatever you have in mind.”

Levi didn’t dignify that with a response. He’d think of whatever the hell he wanted. Especially when Erwin was right there, solid and warm--a little too warm for Levi’s mental well being--but Hanji would fix it. He’d always been able to rely on her. Levi shifted backward until he felt Erwin’s fingers in his back. In this way he could almost imagine that Erwin was holding him, a fantasy he’d housed soon after he’d met the man all those years ago.

Words passed over his head, Hanji and Moblit speaking and working together, but he paid them no attention as he sank into sleep. the last thing he managed was a muffled “good night” to the man he loved before he turned his face into the man’s shoulder and drifted off. If he’d waited one more moment he might have felt it. A tiny movement, barely more than a flicker, of Erwin’s index finger against his back. But he didn’t feel it, and so he didn’t react, as sleep pulled him along into healing.

**\--**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I'm writing as fast as I can guys. I have no time left anymore, but I'm trying. I know it's even more angst, but, I dunno, all that wants to come out right now is angst. Thanks for sticking through with my slow pace. Love you guys, and, as always, I love and appreciate your feedback.

**Author's Note:**

> Before anyone starts in, yes this is going to be pretty angsty and I know I owe you guys fluff. Also I have not abandoned my other projects I plan on finishing all of them. ALL of them. I just have to find time (I worked over 100 hours this week and am pretty sure I actually died and i'm posting this in the afterlife.) This summer has been nuts with work and school but i hope to find a little more time somehow to write more. Sorry for the lack of updates recently thanks for being so patient with me guys you know I would just spend all my time writing for you if I could.


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